what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
