The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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