maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
