Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
