Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
