I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
