Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
