i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
