I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
