I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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