did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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