Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
