ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
