Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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