i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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