i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
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i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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