Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
