life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
