I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
