if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
