i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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