i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
