this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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