I CAN MOONWALK!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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