So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
