I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
