It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
