he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
