He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
