I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
