I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
