I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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