And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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