the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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