i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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