The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
