I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
