if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
