my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
