you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
