the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I don't deserve a penis
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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