you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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