I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
