eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
