I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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