I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
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All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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