Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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