So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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