my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
