On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
