eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
