There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
