So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
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Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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