you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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