and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
