meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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