Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
