i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
