I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The uberlube is also flammable
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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