i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
