she woke up with a sticky ear
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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