well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
